It’s Really Okay

I smile. I blush. I bury my head in the pillow. My cheeks turn red. I look wistfully up. I chew my bottom lip. I worry the new piercing. Then again, I smile. You stole my world.

Thank you… For being my friend, my confidant, my secret keeper, my lover, and my everything. You taught me so much. It was worth it in the end. I just want forever… I think we can…

It’s Been Year… Years now.

It’s the moment where a thought crosses your mind… and you feel deep in your soul that it must be shared right that very moment. So it’s shared. Yet you’ll never know if it hit it’s final destination. You’ll never know if they received the message. However, at the end of the day, at least you shared your heart and soul. You said what needed to be shared. Nothing more, nothing less… It’s there. It’s shared. The question is, what becomes of the information… and does it ever reach it’s final destination? Who knows… Only time will tell. Then again, maybe not.

Tanks Very Own Blog

Yeah, sorry I don’t blog here very much anymore. There’s a reason why my friends… The memories that this blog was causing was bringing on flash backs and situations more than I could handle.

So I no longer blog. However, Tank has his very own blog now where we talk about his every day life, what’s going on with him, his medical diagnosis, his surgeries (we’re on surgery number seven now), and numerous other things. I put pictures up as often as he’ll sit still for one (which really is pretty darn often).

If you’d like the link for his blog, just leave me a comment. There’s also a few other ways of getting it too (such as my FB or through another blogger who’s already linked him). However, thanks to the situations going on with him, and the fact that there’s identifying information on the blog… I’d rather just give it out to those who ask. I’m sure you understand.

Can’t wait to see you there!

You’re Missed

I know you’re out there somewhere… and I just want you to know you’re missed. Maybe one day when you stumble across this you’ll realize how much I loved you, and how much it pains my heart that you’re not in my life. Sorry isn’t a word to be used in a situation like this… But know that I’m sorry for walking away. I’m sorry for letting you go. I wish you were here with me right now. Maybe one day you’ll understand. Maybe one day you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me and make contact with me (again). Then again, maybe you won’t… and I know I’ll have to be okay with that. Just know, that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you, and miss you.

Years of Molestation… But… Forgiveness?

Living through years of molestation as a child is hard, as any child who went through it knows. I still have flash backs to abuse over two decades later to the youngest event that I can recall. I question whether or not events took place before that in which I was just too young to remember, or that I was just able to some how block out completely? I don’t know, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to know. Some days I wish I had the ability to erase out those memories all together, but unfortunately, no one has the power to do that.

When my biological father got out of prison, within 48hrs, the sexual abuse began at his hands. While he was not the first person to sexually abuse me, he was not the last person to sexually abuse me either. There was one time where there was more than three different adults sexually abusing me at the same time, and none of them knew the others were doing it… All saying they would “kill anyone else who dared to do something like this to you…. This is ours”… Yeah. That line makes me want to hurl.

That being said, two decades later, years past the abuse, just a little over a decade from when the last instance of molestation occurred, I can really say that I have forgiven my biological father for the pain, hell, and nightmares that he put me through as a child. Have I gotten over it? No. Will I ever? Maybe not… Will I always have the memories, pain, flashbacks? Possibly… But at the end of the day, I have forgiven him, and we are working to build an appropriate father/daughter relationship.

Those last four words leave many people dumb founded, and because of those, many people can’t understand or even believe the abuse I went through at his hands. Even those people that saw the bruises that he left on me from the physical abuse he put me through that was visible can’t believe it. No one can understand how I can forgive someone who put me through years of pain and torment, and move on to try and create an appropriate father/daughter relationship.

Yet deep inside me, I feel as though I deserve it. Even writing that I’m questioning what I’m thinking. I wish I knew what I was thinking. I wish I knew what appropriate was when it came to father/daughter relationships. I know he asked for forgiveness for what he put me through. I know after months of soul searching, I was able to give it. I know I have been able to do that much… I know I want a father in my life… But at the end of the day, do I really want that father to be one who molested, beat, and belittled me for years? Even though I have been able to give him that forgiveness, will I ever be able to look past all that and see him as nothing but a father?

Maybe I need to rethink this whole thing a little bit more…

Did You Know

An open letter…

I thought this issue had been addressed years ago, when I introduced my first girlfriend. However, apparently, there’s either been a break in communication… or some of you just have your heads shoved so far up your asses for almost the entire past decade and you’re just coming up for air. Anyways.

If my father, who is a Southern Baptist preacher, can accept the fact I’m gay and still love me (why yes… I’ve taken some of my girlfriends/FtM partners to church services with him) and my mother who is… well my mother… I think the rest of you need a serious reality check… Today, I’m the one who is going to give it.

For most of you, your only exposure to the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) community is through the media or through your church. The media has actually gotten better about things. The church? Well, it depends on who you ask. Some churches out there are GLBT friendly, some simply tolerate them, and others teach that you’re going to hell. Every church has it’s own opinion. Oh… and newsflash… Some of the churches out there are ran by GLBT pastors. Just sayin. Oh, and grab your bibles for one moment…

“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.” ~Luke 6:37~

If ALL sin is the same in Gods eyes, then while you sit there and judge me for being gay, condemn to hell, etc… I hate to say it, but you’re going to be sitting right there beside mw in the very same hell you’ve sentenced me to.

Anyways… Let’s keep going… There are many misconceptions about being GLBT… Let’s talk about them, shall we?

• Being gay is just a phase- Tell that to the thousands of GLBT folks out there who have been in relationships for 1, 2, 3, 4, or more decades. I promise you, that the “it’s a phase” thing doesn’t always hold true. Yes, some people will experiment and decide it’s not for them. Others will become that way… Some are just “born” that way. Whatever it is… the whole “phase” thing you keep spouting has gotten old.
• Lesbian women/Gay men recruit others into their lifestyle- This is not the military folks.  There are plenty lesbians/gays in the world already, so recruitment really is not necessary. It is also NOT true that we get a toaster, tshirt, new kitchen collection, or whatever for every so many that we recruit/turn… See above… Recruitment is not necessary!
• Lesbians just haven’t met the right man/gays just haven’t met the right woman- Maybe the reverse is true for straight people… Maybe they just haven’t met the right partner of their gender yet… See how STUPID this looks?
• All lesbians hate men- Granted, it’s very true even some straight women are sick of men, but this attitude is not a characteristic of all lesbians. Just because lesbians are sexually and emotionally attracted to women, doesn’t mean they hate or even dislike men. In fact, many lesbians love men.
• All lesbians have short hair and look like men- *looks into the mirror* My hair goes midway down my back. I wear makeup, skirts, dresses, and heels. The absolute LAST thing I look like is a man. Stop with the stereotyping already.
• Someone/something made them gay- Studies have shown that being gay is not directly related to one’s environment. Many mothers say they regret having been too close to their sons or not close enough to their daughters, believing that is what “made” them gay. The truth is, their relationship with their child had little or nothing at all to do with their sexual orientation. Research continues to explore the source of homosexuality, but blaming oneself or environment is not the answer. Besides, being gay is not a disease.
• Gays and lesbians are promiscuous- The GLBT crowd is no more or less promiscuous than heterosexuals. Just like heterosexuals, gays and lesbians can have monogamous relationships, be celibate or have multiple partners. Newsflash… Heterosexuals also cheat on their partners, cause pain to their partners, and so on. It’s NOT just a gay thing!
• Gays and lesbians are all about sex-  Here’s a news flash: The GLBT crowd is no more and no less sexually active than heterosexuals.
• Gays are more likely to be child abusers/rapists- Don’t even get me started. Everyone who raped/abused me as a young child was a heterosexual male. Just saying.
• Gays parents will make gay kids- So what happened to all the straight people having only straight kids? Last time I checked, straight people have gay kids too. There are no significant differences between kids with gay parents and kids with straight parents on a variety of psychological measures, including gender-roles, self-esteem, and more.
• Gay marriage will destroy society as a whole- This is also what they said about electricity, nuclear power, women voting, interracial marriage and democracy.

Ok, so that’s enough of that.

I’ll be honest folks, and say that I’ve met dozens, if not hundreds of gay people, my age and older. There is almost always the common desire to build long-term relationships, just as with most straight people. At the absolute very least, I can make this statement based on my own, personal desire. You may see inherent contradiction or irony in the following statement, or it may be hard for you to believe, but someday I hope to be in a fulfilling, happy, wholesome, life-long relationship with a woman that I love — and to me, that desire does not seem in any way wrong.

Yes, it’s very true that I strictly date those who are labeled “Butch” or “FtM”. In some cases, I’ve dated FtMs who have been on hormone therapy for years, legally changed their names, and so on. Some of you will remember when I dated one particular person. Yes, family & friends, that person is an FtM, and a legally identified male in the eyes of the courts. You welcomed him into your homes and hearts… But I wonder now, if knowing would have made things different. In the end though, please don’t expect me to introduce you to my partners/friends and label them. There is no way I’m going to say to you “This is so and so, she’s butch, and still goes by so and so” or “This is lo lo, he’s an FtM, and though his name was so so, he’s legally changed his name to lo lo and prefers to go by lo lo” or even “This is Jonie, she’s a stone butch, but she prefers to go by Jo… It’s okay if you call her a he, she doesn’t mind” . Forget it. Not happening. Just accept my partner as they are, don’t ask questions, and keep moving forward.

Ahhh… So much rambling going on here. In the end, what it boils down to… Either accept me as who I am, or don’t. The delete button on friendships and family isn’t a hard thing for me. I promise you that. I have absolutely no problem simply removing you from my life and keeping on moving. Sure, for a time you’ll be missed, but you know what… I’ll get over it and move on. I’ll think of you around your birthday and holidays…

But life… will… go… on.

So go ahead… Threaten me again with “if you don’t change your ways I won’t be your friend/I’ll disown you as family.” Make one more snide remark about how I deserve to be emotionally/mentally/physically/whatever hurt because I’m gay… I’m almost begging for you to give me a reason to completely remove you from my life. Do it. Please. Just get it over with already!

That being said… to the friends and family who love me just as I am… Thank you… I love you too! Thank you for being supportive, kind, caring, and everything in between. Being gay isn’t always easy, even in this day and age. Then again, it’s not the end of the world either .

Triggers

In an old post, I talked about some of my actions that I would do as a child while being sexually abused, sexually used, molested, or raped.  Someone emailed me privately and asked if today, I still had things that caused triggers, or if I did things to avoid having to remember/deal with. The short answer is yes. I’ll try to explain the memory along with what I do to avoid it. It may not making any sense, but my brain is very jumbled right now.

• Bathrooms- I will not go into a bathroom and not lock the door. This can be for something as routine as brushing my teeth or taking a shower. Either way, the door remains locked. I will not take a shower/bathe with a partner either. Why? I was sexually abused in a home bathroom by a family member.
• Bedroom- If I go into my bedroom to change clothes (rarely), take a nap, relax on the bed and read, or even to sleep, my door must be open. If I am in a relationship, my partner always sleeps next to the door. Why? Needless to say, I was sexually abused in my bedroom as a child, and the door would always be closed/locked.
• Beer- I cannot stand the smell of Budlight on my partners breath, and do not want the bottles in my home. Generally, I ask that they drink another brand all together. If they MUST drink this brand, they must brush/gargle before coming near me or drink it out at a bar when I’m not around. The smell of this brand literally makes me sick. Why? I was raped one evening by a family friend who reeked of Budlight. He also used the bottles for other things.
• Money- I will not accept $100 bills, and always ask tellers for smaller bills. Why? To this day, I can remember my father standing in front of me waving a $100 bill in my face telling me that if I didn’t cry, and did it right, I was going to get the money to go shopping with.
• Children- I am not comfortable with small children or young teens that are in my care left alone in rooms with adult men or being allowed to sit on their laps. Why? Seriously, do we even need to ask.
• Lights- I will not go to sleep without a nightlight despite the fact I am in my late twenties. Darkness allowed a cover of secrecy. After explaining this, I have never had a partner mind a nightlight being on.
• Closets- The door must be either fully opened or fully closed. Never half way. Someone hid in the closet once. I will never allow that to happen again.
• Clothing- I refuse to wear turtle neck shirts. During the period of physical abuse, I was sent to school in turtlenecks to cover the bruises from being yanked back by the neck, choked, bitten, etc. The shirts make me feel as though I’m being strangled now.

Let’s start with that. Emotionally, these posts are very trying. However, I do hope that they are helping me heal by getting this stuff out and off my chest. I think in some strange way, they are. However, they are still trying, and I need to focus on something happy for a while.