Living through years of molestation as a child is hard, as any child who went through it knows. I still have flash backs to abuse over two decades later to the youngest event that I can recall. I question whether or not events took place before that in which I was just too young to remember, or that I was just able to some how block out completely? I don’t know, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to know. Some days I wish I had the ability to erase out those memories all together, but unfortunately, no one has the power to do that.
When my biological father got out of prison, within 48hrs, the sexual abuse began at his hands. While he was not the first person to sexually abuse me, he was not the last person to sexually abuse me either. There was one time where there was more than three different adults sexually abusing me at the same time, and none of them knew the others were doing it… All saying they would “kill anyone else who dared to do something like this to you…. This is ours”… Yeah. That line makes me want to hurl.
That being said, two decades later, years past the abuse, just a little over a decade from when the last instance of molestation occurred, I can really say that I have forgiven my biological father for the pain, hell, and nightmares that he put me through as a child. Have I gotten over it? No. Will I ever? Maybe not… Will I always have the memories, pain, flashbacks? Possibly… But at the end of the day, I have forgiven him, and we are working to build an appropriate father/daughter relationship.
Those last four words leave many people dumb founded, and because of those, many people can’t understand or even believe the abuse I went through at his hands. Even those people that saw the bruises that he left on me from the physical abuse he put me through that was visible can’t believe it. No one can understand how I can forgive someone who put me through years of pain and torment, and move on to try and create an appropriate father/daughter relationship.
Yet deep inside me, I feel as though I deserve it. Even writing that I’m questioning what I’m thinking. I wish I knew what I was thinking. I wish I knew what appropriate was when it came to father/daughter relationships. I know he asked for forgiveness for what he put me through. I know after months of soul searching, I was able to give it. I know I have been able to do that much… I know I want a father in my life… But at the end of the day, do I really want that father to be one who molested, beat, and belittled me for years? Even though I have been able to give him that forgiveness, will I ever be able to look past all that and see him as nothing but a father?
Maybe I need to rethink this whole thing a little bit more…
Forgiving is one thing; forgetting is something else again. Only you can decide whether having him part of your life will help or increase your pain. Whatever decision you make, I wish you nothing but the best.