In an old post, I talked about some of my actions that I would do as a child while being sexually abused, sexually used, molested, or raped. Someone emailed me privately and asked if today, I still had things that caused triggers, or if I did things to avoid having to remember/deal with. The short answer is yes. I’ll try to explain the memory along with what I do to avoid it. It may not making any sense, but my brain is very jumbled right now.
- Bathrooms- I will not go into a bathroom and not lock the door. This can be for something as routine as brushing my teeth or taking a shower. Either way, the door remains locked. I will not take a shower/bathe with a partner either. Why? I was sexually abused in a home bathroom by a family member.
- Bedroom- If I go into my bedroom to change clothes (rarely), take a nap, relax on the bed and read, or even to sleep, my door must be open. If I am in a relationship, my partner always sleeps next to the door. Why? Needless to say, I was sexually abused in my bedroom as a child, and the door would always be closed/locked.
- Beer- I cannot stand the smell of Budlight on my partners breath, and do not want the bottles in my home. Generally, I ask that they drink another brand all together. If they MUST drink this brand, they must brush/gargle before coming near me or drink it out at a bar when I’m not around. The smell of this brand literally makes me sick. Why? I was raped one evening by a family friend who reeked of Budlight. He also used the bottles for other things.
- Money- I will not accept $100 bills, and always ask tellers for smaller bills. Why? To this day, I can remember my father standing in front of me waving a $100 bill in my face telling me that if I didn’t cry, and did it right, I was going to get the money to go shopping with.
- Children- I am not comfortable with small children or young teens that are in my care left alone in rooms with adult men or being allowed to sit on their laps. Why? Seriously, do we even need to ask.
- Lights- I will not go to sleep without a nightlight despite the fact I am in my late twenties. Darkness allowed a cover of secrecy. After explaining this, I have never had a partner mind a nightlight being on.
- Closets- The door must be either fully opened or fully closed. Never half way. Someone hid in the closet once. I will never allow that to happen again.
- Clothing- I refuse to wear turtle neck shirts. During the period of physical abuse, I was sent to school in turtlenecks to cover the bruises from being yanked back by the neck, choked, bitten, etc. The shirts make me feel as though I’m being strangled now.
Let’s start with that. Emotionally, these posts are very trying. However, I do hope that they are helping me heal by getting this stuff out and off my chest. I think in some strange way, they are. However, they are still trying, and I need to focus on something happy for a while.
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